“I was tending my shrubs when it came to me” said Mr Sprout in an interview following his announcement. “Not like a revelation, of course; more like … I suppose you could call it something I made up.”

While many, even other atheists, have predicted previously that the universe will indeed continue to exist at some point, Mr Sprout is the first to have set an actual date for the non-extermination of the cosmos.

Asked how he determined when the Apocalypse would not occur, he replied “basically I thought it looked like kind of a neat date to set for this sort of huge non-event. And when I’m right, and the world doesn’t end on 20/11/2011, it’ll be easy for everyone to remember that was the exact day I said it wouldn’t end.”

Well, looking like Jesus if he had scored a Vidal Sassoon beard trimmer for his birthday/Christmas (always combined presents, dammit!) and got the whole designer stubble thing going on.

Anyhoo, it got me thinking, as the wind whipped my hair in front of my face for the umpteenth time, and my neck grew hotter and hotter with my hair floating around. There are a whole lot of reasons that long hair is a major hindrance. And I’m not even trying to run from sabertooth tigers and hunt antelope. For our hunter-gatherer ancestors long hair would have been a real problem. It gets in your eyes, in your mouth, can catch on branches and things, could be grabbed by a predator or competitor, and makes it harder to cool down (though the latter might not have been such an issue before we began wearing clothes).

And yet for some reason human beings (both sexes) grow long hair on our heads. It doesn’t seem to make sense…

… Until I realised that there must be a positive evolutionary selection pressure for Awesomeness. You see, long hair is awesome (basic unalterable fact of the universe), and so groups of our ancestors with longer hair would have had more awesomeness than groups with shorter hair. Over millions of years, those with longer hair were more successful (and awesome), and so in the end Homo Sapiens Sapiens has long hair. And is awesome.

You doubt? You mock? You don’t believe there would be such an evolutionary pressure, that long-haired louts would be more successful (and awesome) than their short-haired counterparts? Well how about Aragorn:

vs Viggo Mortensen

And it’s not just we of the XY persuasion. Oh no. Here’s Kate beckinsale:

vs (believe it or not) Kate Beckinsale:

It cannot be denied that long hair is Awesomeness with hot chilli sauce.

Further proof for the nay-sayers: how else could we explain that of the awesome male metal singers in the 80s and 90s, Sebastian Bach is the one who still has all his awesomeness … and all his hair. Samson effect, baby. This is one of the two bits where I think the bible got it right (the other being “Man is born to trouble, as the sparks fly upward”, but that’s something entirely different ).

—————>

—-> 

So: long hair is awesome. Therefore our ancestors with long hair had more awesomeness, and were thereby more evolutionarily successful, meaning we can grow long hair upon our heads. Q.E.D.

\m/

That was the licence plate number on a car that caused my irony meter to asplode this evening. Turning onto the Great Western Highway in Blacktown a Lexus behind me tried to swing round and get in front of me. He seemed rather upset perhaps that his expensive flash Lexus was barely keeping up with my little Suzuki Swift (yes, I laughed as well) as I accelerated up to the 80km/hr limit. As a result he swung out into the transit lane (though there was no-one else in the car), hooned along and cut back in dangerously close to another car and raced off down the road – at way above the 80 km/hr limit. When I caught up to him – stopped by traffic at the lights – I saw what all the sign-writing on his car said:

“SAFETY CAR”

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Righto. Well, to Mr BLN78C, if you happen to be reading this: you’re a plonker. – And to Mr BLN78C’s employers, who I would guess provide the “Lexus Safety Car” he’s fanging around so dangerously: he’s a plonker, and a very poor reflection on you.

Hmmm …

“John Cotter, former Australian touring car driver, will drive the updated IS F as a safety car this year, leading the Australian GT Production Car Championship.”

I wonder if Mr BLN78C might be Mr John Cotter. Well if he is or if he isn’t, he’s a plonker.

Proponents of CAM, and opponents of vaccines and allopathic medicine have for a long time been saying that Big Pharma is in cahoots with the Medical-Industrial Complex and has politicians in our pockets. This is of course, they say, why we vaccinate: to destroy children’s immune systems and even infect them with various diseases. We cause cancer by various nefarious means, and withold numerous guaranteed cures, so as to maintain control over the masses.

Of course we deny this vehemently. We are here to serve, we have people’s best interests at heart, we’re actually normal human beings rather than demons made flesh, and so on ….

But I can’t do it any longer. I have to come clean. You need to accept that there is a shadowy cabal of evil (sorry: The Cabal Of Doom) to which doctors, pharmaceutical companies, politicians and so on all belong, that is bent on maintaining control of the masses by way of making – and keeping – you ill. By keeping you ill we make oceans of money, lord it over you, and get to laugh like Vincent Price (he’s actually not dead; we know how to live forever – another thing we keep from the unwashed masses – and we have him in our underground lair teaching new inductees how to do a really good evil laugh).

The thing is, I’m tired. Being evil takes a lot of work. The secret handshakes alone take up half my day. And coming up with new ways to hide the bodies … that is really getting hard. But the worst thing?

The Cabal Of Doom has a damn good recruitment pitch, but their accounts department is total crap. I haven’t yet been paid for my evil works from back in 2006! Seriously, where’s my (3rd) yacht? My hookers and blow? If I don’t start seeing some of this I’m going to consider seriously just not being evil.

In all seriousness, I might actually have to leave the Cabal Of Doom if they don’t start paying me properly. You think the Government is tight? Try getting money out of a shadowy cabal (of Doom) sometime. Honestly, if I weren’t the Antichrist I think I’d just give it up and start trying to help sick people.

But where teh fork are teh forkz?

Not long back we could haz new cutleryz – yah: including forkz. Hole droor wuz full. Now full of knifez (maybe even moar den befoar) but no forkz. To has forkz lolshrink had to go over other hole side of bilding and get teh last wun from bored-room (only room in plaice wiv proper name: meating room hav no meat innit; assess room have no donkeyz; at least bored room hav right name).

I has bin tolled we no can has any moar cutlery, bcos not inpayshint service … But I is inpayshint – and the moar times i can has no forkz, the moar inpayshint I be!

An srsly, what happin 2 all forkz? It like sumwun take them, but that make no sense: why take forkz? An why leaf knifez an spoonz?

Yumans R strange. Or maybe it this cutlergeist I see moovie about: it could take forkz an stuffs. That make cutlergeist strange.